Shame Stories

“If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.” Brene Brown (Daring greatly). I read this book a few years ago but it came to mind today as I sat in a matatu in the famous Nairobi traffic.

It is often easy to share our successes, innovations, even great ideas. But when it comes to sharing our mistakes, failures and sometimes shame we often tend to clam up. Not necessarily to appear perfect (we all know no one is) but because when/if we do we are trusting the other person(s) to hold our vulnerability in respect and love and we are not always sure that is a worthwhile risk.
Truth is there are no guarantess that they will which is why I believe that vulnerability is a faith step. Faith that it will not be used against you; faith that it will not make the other person run in the opposite direction; Faith that vulnerability is indeed courage that many of us cannot get ourselves to.

For everyone who has shared their ‘shame’ story with me which they considered better off unshared, thank you for trusting me to love you enough to hold it as dear as you did. Because though I have always thought it was easy, I now know it is nowhere near and takes such grace and understanding of God’s love for you (and yes, maybe some level of ‘madness’) to bear your ‘soul’ to another.

This reminds me of how crazy I always thought the woman with the alabaster jar at Jesus’ feet was. Because really, it wasn’t one of those ‘Jesus, you know me inside out. You know where I have been and what I have been up to. Please deal with me’. Nope! This was a woman whose lifestyle the whole city knew of, had judged and concluded on what she was due. Yet she went into a space where these same judgemental and knowing people were and threw herself at the mercy of the one who knew even more than the city (he knew her motives, her fears, her plans, her heart!!) so she could receive mercy. . . 

Vulnerability is not easy. It is definitely uncomfortable and many of us would rather live without it. Yet failure, mistakes, looking bad, even ‘shocking/correcting’ others’ ‘clean’ view of us is what life is really about. Because when we do look back, we can often see how our experiences have taught, reformed, informed, and hopefully grown us. Could we have been better off without them? Maybe, but now that that is our story, will we dwell on it or will we embrace it, process it; and if we are lucky to have someone ask be willing to share it, not knowing how they will take it but trusting that there is a good reason and freedom with it.

I am not encouraging you to go shouting your story from the rooftops (though if that is what you need to do, why not?), but don’t close people who are important to you out in fear. It may be that your story will have someone else go like ‘what!! You too?’, or it may make them realise theirs is not so bad after all.

In a generation where masks and filters are the norm, allowing us to see the real you, yes, that fresh faced- just washed look with us. Allow us to love you with all your flaws because what you see as flaws we may recognise as battle scars and honor you for fighting, for not giving up on yourself, for engaging in the battle of life that intentional growth can be.