Earlier this year, I moved to Nairobi. One of the things I was most excited about while here was to join the Fearless Institute leadership bootcamp.
Our orientation class was on January 12th 2020, exactly four years to the date, since I walked into that same space for my orientation as a Discovery intern. This time though, I was older, wiser, and I believed more disciplined and aware of my space in this world. Initially, the institute did not look more intense than any other program. In fact it felt like it was the best way to ease into a new year and do something worthwhile. I remember the excited buzz in the Mavuno kids’ tent that first day. Walking in at 8:30 AM. I live two counties away so getting there meant I was on the road quite early on a Saturday morning, but hey.. what is a little sleep deprivation when we are working towards changing Africa?
Fearless Institute is a twelve months leadership bootcamp that includes monthly lectures and assignments, as well as yearlong assignments. The monthly assignments included reading a book or two and writing a synopsis; writing two blog posts as well as being part of an action group and doing a report together. Within the action groups, we had assessors to evaluate progress and advise on various things we encountered. The classes were largely based on these four key leadership issues; character, skill, motivation, and worldview. The yearly assignments included participating in two mission trips, writing and publishing a book, and action group assignments.
Fast forward, it is late November, graduation date is looming and yours truly is far from the enthusiastic, focused human who walked into orientation. What happened? Well, we could blame Covid-19. But I will not. When I signed up for the class, I had no idea that soon after that I would find myself seriously battling a bout of depression (fyi it took me months to even acknowledge this) and spend months not just wondering what was wrong, but having days on end where I could not bring myself to do any assignments or be excited about the possibility of changing anything. I had days when I could barely get out of bed, so assignments were the furthest thing on my mind.
In the year when I had made a commitment to complete whatever I started, it was beyond disappointing to get close to the end and have so much pending. I almost quit, infact this happened so many times throughout the year. I could not see the point of it all. And yet, as I dragged myself to each class(thankfully most were online so I had no excuse not to attend), had conversations with my action group and realized everyone had their own struggles happening, I was encouraged to take it one day at a time, to ask for prayer and allow my friends to give me some hard talks, and so much more. At some point I had to send through assignments that had been pending for months. Then came the book writing and there was such a block (if you know me you know I usually do not struggle with writing at all) I could not even get a paragraph down. When I finally did, I dismissed everything I wrote.
Long story short, I am graduating. This is nothing less than a miracle. It is about people who refused to give up on me, and on me refusing to give up on myself. It is about going through the motions of reality, taking a break when you need to, but using your good days and nights whenever you can. It is about realizing that God was not bored when he created me. In fact he was so intentional that he worked out a whole plan and I just know only a bit of it (yes, it’s on a need to know basis). It is about realizing that if I give up on me, it is not just me but those my existence, my gifts, and whom my purpose was to serve will miss out.
Recently in a conversation someone brought up the US navy seals training and how intense it is. They pointed out that this training pushes the limits to the point where the trainees understand their bodies and minds can handle so much more; to where they can trust themselves to do that which they signed on to. Something they mentioned reminded me of my experience with the boot camp. They shared that those who succeed through the training more often than not trusted the process. This year and for the rest of my life, my prayer is that I will always trust the process through which God chooses to refine me. I am aware that I may not like, enjoy, or even want some of them; or that those I want may not turn out as expected. But I pray I will have the staying power of a navy seal.
Belinda K 